Friday, August 30, 2013

The Gateway Cup: The Holy Grail of Cycling in St. Louis


Greetings Bicycsuals & Racylists. We apologize for our more than brief interlude, but there have been a lot of things spinning around here (like the wheel of Dharma) and we haven’t had much time to focus on the things which we hold the most holy: women, bicycles & a little bit of doublespeak.

It has been proposed that Mary Magdalene was in fact, the Holy Grail “Sang Real” (or mother of the royal bloodline of Jesus Christ) and that, pregnant with the child of Jesus, she moved from Egypt and settled in a province of France searching for a better & safer place to live. Fast forward a bit and so too did French explorers, pregnant with the seed of David & the culture of Francejourney to Louisiana and up the Mississippi River to settle in what is now St. Louis, Missouri.

In 1790, the very first concept of a bicycle (aka the Immaculate Inception) was introduced to the world by Comte Mede de Sivrac of France, giving birth to what is now a worldwide religion. Unlike most religions, cycling is primarily an outdoor church that accepts and actually promotes a lot of sects; there are criteriums, cyclo-cross races, road races, velodrome (track) races, etc., and since the Gateway Cup is an omnium of criteriums, that is what we will focus on in this post.

Criteriums are typically categorized by short courses, closed circuits, high heart rates & a lot of grinding gears. The tempo of a criterium is constantly fluctuating up and down, as the participants jockey for a good position for the sudden climactic burst or “the sprint”. The peloton or “field” typically consists of anywhere between 50 to 125 cyclists, but only one lucky rider will be the first to penetrate the finish line and enter the promised land of 1st place. All of the spandex, sweat and competition can create a lot of sinnergy, so if you can’t keep your cool during a crit, we suggest you stay home and simply race yourself. 

All negative emotions aside, we are brought together this weekend for a very special place in time and history, tis the season to be jolly in St. Louis and celebrate the most coveted of all of her races, the Holy Grail of the St. Louis cycling. Just as the story of St. Louis starts with French explorers (Laclede & Chouteau) seeding the city as an official French settlement in February 1764, the Gateway Cup begins precisely where those explorers initially settled, Lafayette Square. We’re not trying to SRAM any ideas between your ears, and quite frankly the only dogma we'll be peddling is dogma we can actually pedal, but if you live near or around St. Louis, come out and celebrate with us. For Christ’s sake.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Pharmageddon 2012: EPOch IV - The Apothecalypse

In light of Alberto Contador’s retroactive punishment for past and more recent transgressions in the Tour de France, a ripple has echoed from the lofty slopes of Luz Ardiden all the way to the local St. Louis, MO amateur USA cycling scene.

Just as the Pyrenean Range separates the Iberian Peninsula from the rest of continental Europe; so has the use of PED’s [and unfounded speculation] began to divide unsuspecting Bicycsuals & Racyclists in local St. Louis Cycling forums… (See also the “why-everyone-is-winning-and-I’m-not – they’re-all-on-steroids-syndrome”)

We know it’s been awhile since we’ve added anything to our heart (and lust) filled blog and we just hate love to return on such a touchy subject, but we have innate controversial tendon sees over here.

Needles to say: “It’s not the size of your legs that counts, it’s the motion in their ocean”… if this idiom isn't working for you, don’t let your estrogen lead you down the wrong pathogen, and start smearing your fellow Bicycsuals. It's bad for the whole scene so peddle your trash talk in another arena. If you find yourself feeling weak, lethargic, or two-tired to push through the pain, there are studies which show that a small dose of fresh, local Pace Booty can play a bigger role in getting your test above the rest.

                           WADA "Approved & Certified" 100% Legal

We're not sure whether or not eating that steak bought from a Basque producer in 2010 will increase your performance, but before you take any sort of plunge; orthotrycycling behind the likes of our friend Shannon (@Shenanigans1313) or a neighborhood vixen near you... You might even get a chance to derailleur! (excuse our pun)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Road Wars: The Triathoteent VS The Racylist

We noticed hate between cyclists & triathletes seems to be gaining momentum in both publications & athletic forums. Whether you’re cycling through your favorite magazine or cruising on your #1 forum, the words spoke-n are all the same. Cyclists are narcissistic elitists that care more about showing off a fast bike & a team kit than riding all together; triathletes are a bunch of wanna-be’s, aimlessly riding their Cannonsnails, unable to hold a line if it was attached to a rail.

We all need a good brake check from time to time. All this bickering is worse than a Sunday night sewing club & it's giving Bicycsuals a nasty rep. So no matter if you’re insulated from failure in your next triathlon, or watching the field sprints (in your fly-est skinsuit) from the back of the pack, we can all agree that if you’re not going to win, it’s nice to see those who look good doing it.



It’s time to lubricate our chains & hammer out the beef. We all shave. We all love our bikes. We would all draft Helle Frederiksen’s rear wheel. We are all Bicycsuals.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Ads Inadvertently Pave Way for Bicycsuals Worldwide

Bicycsuals are faced with false dichotomies day in and day out. Which should we spind more time with today: Our Cannondales or our women? This or that... Yes or no...We think that life is too fast to have to choose between two things we love the most when we can have it all at once. Let's back pedal a minute and consider this:

Thanks to west coast philosophy and ads from the likes of Ambercrombie & Fitch, J. Crew, Urban Outfitters..., beach cruisers and slow rollers have been resuscitated in a major way, and luckily for us, marketed to, and in ads with hotties ready to ease it into a slow gear. This moment chainged and redefined the way the early Cro-Magnon bicycle lovers view relationships and paved way for the Neo-Modern Bicycsual Man. The photo captures a relaxed and comfortably dressed babe doting on her bike; hard evidence to a Bicycsual that 2/3 of the union exists, therefore the trifecta of Man, Woman & Bike is achievable... (beyond the spandex-tight restraints of the racing scene)


We're not really concerned how far she plans on riding to on that deck... or if what she's fixated on in the sky is a new Louis Vuitton clutch being handed down from God himself. What we are trying to figure out is if she just warmed up and is about to hop on, or if that's sweat from a long ride and she just got off. One thing is certain, we owe a huge thanks to all retail marketing executives - pushing not only the Euro-American, disheveled look up on two wheels but also opening the doors to a healthy love triangle between Man, Woman & Bike.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Full (Un)Zip

If you've ever experienced the titillating sensation of pulling out the front of the pack, you'll know that Bicycsuals can also become overheated keeping up pace. Racer's that lead the pack are generally expending 40-60% more work than those in the slipstream and often need some extra support of a fresh breeze. However, savvy jersey manufacturers (such as Nike) stay abreast on ergonomic designs and nipped the half zip in the bud. With the full zip jersey (as seen in this photo by Yorick Jansens), a Bicycsual can milk it for all it's worth. We must ask ourselves though, did the unzip strategy work for her? Did she even place? Why Mr. Jansens left-it out we're not sure, but we hope she exceeded her ex-pecs-tations!

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Hell of the West: What's Oral Sex?



I once read that a good pun is it's own reword. That being said, "What's oral sex?... Oral sex is the opposite of written sex. If you read about it, it's written sex, if you talk about it, it's oral sex." Deemed a "cult classic for cyclists" 'American Flyers' was "bridging the gap" between sex and cycling (and Costner and Hollywood) long before Bicycsuality was accepted in the US. We must give credit where credit is due, so thank you Steve Tesich for "paving the way" for all Bicycsuals.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The rEvolution of The Bicycsual Bicy-vil Rights Movement

As I began thinking of ideas on branding Bicycsuality, it occured to me that focusing on only women and bicycles completely undermines the true meaning behind "The Bicycsual Bicy-vil Rights Movement". Because the world of humans and bicycles is extremely dynamic, both men and women are welcome in the world of bicycsuality. So whether you're hetero-bicycsual, homo-bicycsual, bi-bicycsual, trans-bicycsual, man, woman, or hermy, Bicycsuality does not discriminate. We've "tuned up" our mission to reflect this concept and invite all to embrace the union between humans and bicycles.